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screenplay critique

Hello. I have just finished my first script. Its not in any script format, its just a bunch of dialogue. Im trying to make the best possible film I can. Could you possible look at my script, or just glance at it, and tell me what you think? How can I make it better? Did it make you laugh. Did you like the concept. How can I improve on it? Thanks in advance for taking the time to read my script. -Rob You can read the script here vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv http://webspace.ringling.edu/~rfiermo1/Jennifer1234.txt

Ummm, there are many FREE add-ons to many software programs such as Microsoft Word that will help you format this script properly. You can also go to [url]http://scriptwritingsecrets.com/contents.htm[/url] and click the topics on the left margin to help you. Also, you post that it's got a copyright? I doubt that. You can't post a copyright unless you have submitted it to the US copyright office and I know that process takes a few months. If you register it with the Writer's Guild it is not a copyright - it's just registered under your name. This is supposed to be a NO PITCH zone as specified under the heading of this section. BUT if you format it properly, I will critique it for you. Also, omit ALL of the "CUT TO" or "WE SEE" etc. Write only what the camera sees or the characters say. "WE" is a crutch. If you start a new paragraph or a new location, we know it's a transition. Also, try not to use the words "IS" or "ARE" or "begins to" in the description. Good Luck.

Well I've registered it with the writers guild. I guess thats not copyrighting but its something right? ill work on correcting it. thanks

And Im not trying to "pitch" it. Im looking for an honest critique. Im tired of friends reading it, and saying "oh yeah, thats cool....can I be in it?" That doesnt help me in making it the best script I can. Sorry for any inconvenience to the forume

Don't be sorry - be careful. It's never a good idea to post a screenplay for all to see on the internet. Meet various writers and share it with them on a one-on-one basis. If you'd like, once you've gotten it properly formatted, you can join various screenwriting forums for additional help. But, YES, it was a good idea to register it with the WGA. Like I said, format it and I'll be happy to give it a read.

alright its been update to a format.

Good work. But it needs a bit more. I know this is for a short film, but if you plan on writing anything in the future, you should learn the format or buy Final Draft software. The first time we meet a character, you need to describe him or her (age, look, physical traits, wardrobe, etc). Same goes with locations. You need to tell the reader what the location looks like - give us an idea what people and places look like to set the tone. Also, try to limit your direction with camera. ZOOM and camera movement are generally reserved for the director or the DP. I'll read this in a minute and post a reply after I do.

Ill be honest I never wanted to use one of the programs but I just downloaded a trial version and its wonderful. Ill keep that in mind about the descriptions. thanks

I have to ask. What is the point of the short film script? What is it about? It seems like a reality show rather than a film. There's FAR TOO MUCH DIALOGUE and very little action. This is just talking heads. You need to hook the reader. Also, keep in mind that during a sequence of your description, you need to combine short sentences into one fluid sentence. Within your description, I see many different shots. Each shot should be its own paragraph or line. The way you have it written, it would be one long shot. Make it interesting with close-ups and cut aways. Also, you need to spell out numbers - 3 should be three, etc. There are many a typo as well.

Its about moving on and discovering that you're better than how you are treated

Then drive that point home. This is just meandering talk.

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