Apartment? Check. Map? Check. Parking spot? Check. Now it's time to head on over to your (probably rented) fridge and... wait a minute. You don't have any food. And where are all the cool shops you've heard of? It's time to go

SHOPPING (STORES AND THEATERS)

You've gotta eat and drink and shop, right? (Well, maybe that last one's not a "need.") Here's the lowdown on all the major stores and offerings in town (there are more, but I don't get out as much as I used to):

1. To get good deals at the Grocery or Drug Store, you'll need to sign up for a "club card" for virtually every place you shop.

VONS, RALPH'S, ALBERTSONS, CVS... each has their own card, and you'll need to swipe it every time you shop to get the sale price. More than likely you'll have to fill out your address, phone number, and lots of other incriminating information. And yes, it's also for marketing, so along with a bulkier wallet, you'll get free junk mail too. Welcome to LA!

2. Bulk stores are only good if you have a family or a business.

COSTCO, SMART & FINAL, SAM'S CLUB don't save you much money. But if you really need to buy 10 pounds of chicken, well, there ya go. These places are good when you're stocking up for a party or you need all 4 tires on your car replaced. Or for diapers. Hey, it happens to the best of us.

Gas is cheaper at Costco, but you'll still need to pay the annual $50 fee for the privilege of waiting in line at the pump. But you do save anywhere from 8 to 15 cents per gallon. That might not sound like much, but in the long run it is. Plus they've got good deals on DVD box sets you can watch once there's food in the fridge.

3. Specialty stores offer funky brands and cool weird foods. But you have to know how to cook.

WHOLE FOODS and TRADER JOE'S are what I call the Hippie Stores. You'll find more natural and organic choices than the big chains and you'll probably eat healthier. Once you learn how to combine ingredients to create actual meals. Which I still don't know how to do.

4. Just about everything you would want to buy is somewhere in LA.

For the weird/scary/strange/funky/what the--stuff, check out Melrose west of Highland. For hard-to-find CDs and movies, head over to AMOEBA MUSIC at Sunset and Cahuenga. It's also great for people watching. Or is it they who are watching you...

5. Malls in The Valley will wear you down.

Sure, they have next to everything (all marked up 30%!), but you will suffer sensory overload. If you're lucky enough to survive the parking structure. You do remember where we parked, don't you? Cuz I don't.

6. Movie tickets cost a lot more than you're used to. But at least it's tax-deductible.

Yep, you'll be paying $11 at most places (AMC, PACIFIC, REGAL). $14 at THE ARCLIGHT, THE GROVE, and THE LANDMARK. And then there's GRAUMAN'S CHINESE THEATER. Still, there are a ton of independent thaters that cost a less. But save those receipts!

You can usually catch a cool old flick at ARCLIGHT or the blink-and-you'll-miss-it EGYPTIAN theater on the east side of Hollywood Boulevard. And if you get on an industry screening list, you can catch movies for free and even grovel at the filmmakers for an unpaid internship! Nice.

But where, oh where will you get the cash to do all this stuff? Well, I can't tell you exactly how to get a job, but next time I'll give you some hints about how to manage your money once you do.